I am affected!

Many sit in silence, never expressing how another person’s behavior affects them. Now, I’m not suggesting that we all go out and command that the world takes responsibility for how they affect us. I am suggesting that we need to pause and self-reflect on the idea that if we don’t express how we are affected, that it could fuel behavior patterns that do harm.

At times in my life I have felt silenced, either because my heart’s desires made others uncomfortable or my fear of standing in who I am made me uncomfortable. Either way, by doing so it left me carrying undue pain and allowed others to live in ignorance of how they affected me and/or those they loved or were connected to.

Now for some of you, your family, friends, or your community may not care. For others, those people do care. Either way, I think our idea of how someone may react is really irrelevant, as that is their choice. So often we “think” we know what others will do if they know how we feel, like we are playing God in being “the all knowing.” This too does harm. We do not know the future as it has not been created in its full identity yet. We affect it with the law of attraction, but its full manifestation has not yet unfolded.

We need to be authentic and show the full expression of our reality. To show one side of our truth and hide the other is manipulation and a level of deceit. The goal is to be as real and transparent as possible. That is the closest expression of truth you can align with.

Do it with love, but shine your reality, wounds and all. Don’t wait for someone to give you permission. Allowing others to see, allows them to be seen. Hidden agendas or undeveloped feelings become exposed and wounds begin to heal. Love is. There is no need for walls, protection, or false agendas. Clear, direct communication with no need for affirmation is the key.

I, just like you, have made steps to be more transparent as a leader in our community. I believe leaders need to walk as equals with their students. Below is a piece of my life where I have done this work.

I was affected…

A post to my family:

I’m finding that I’m beginning to be affected by the resistance to gay marriage by family and old friends. I have loved and honored the struggle that others have had to love me, due to my sexuality. The funny thing was that I had hoped that they would see over time that it is fear of differences rather than they were rejecting a big part of me. I am not my sexuality, but I am human.

I’ve never understood…Aren’t I like them???

I love and so do they… I feel pain, and so do they…I have beliefs, and so do they…. I think the difference is that I value the differences and the similarities in us all. Sadly, it is becoming painfully clear that those I have loved unconditionally, feels like they have loved me in return, conditionally. I will always love you, but I don’t want to be dishonest and say that your posts are not affecting those who have always walked beside you through your light and your shadows. If you are attempting to witness, I want you to know that I am catching your message as hate, and not as love. Only you know your intentions, but my heart is saddened today with those messages of beliefs that devalue mine. I am so grateful for my Christian upbringing. I guess we found a different perspective of God. The one I know, walks with me through my challenges and successes. I am not judged, I am welcomed home to the heart where all are seen as children of God. That is the God I want to walk with. It may be that in your lens the view of me doesn’t include God in it, but I find this unlikely because we are all so close. I promise you God is with me. I will never allow anything between me and God. You taught me well.

From my wounded self to my brother:

Do you see the God in me? I feel I reach to see the God in the family, but have felt abandoned and unprotected. The people I was taught to trust in God’s name were hiding in darkness. I kept seeking the God in them, The pastor, and the two deacons… All defined as godly men, who betrayed my innocence. Yet no one in our family seemed to want to see my sweet perfection. They saw me as not very bright, a sinner and troubled. I felt set up. After years of personal work, I fought for me, for love and to reconnect with God. I asked a million questions and invested 100% in life. I did very difficult work. So why did not one of you see I was hurt by those you trusted? Why didn’t you all ever want to know me and ask me questions? Why did no one ask why I am the way I am? Was it because you thought that I was lost because I chose darkness? It felt that I was seen as broken. I wanted you to see my essence. The essence that God loved when the family couldn’t, because they needed to believe what they were taught was right rather than “feel” something was wrong as people hid behind the teachings. Please see the beauty in people so we can see our way back. I needed a light to find my way. I guess being an empath, trauma or not… I was given the gift of emotions and through those emotions it brought me back to my path and connection to spirit. I can feel those who have faced similar pains, through that, I know it’s God’s gift to me to help others find their way home. One that was given to me because I was special. Not the special those men wanted me to think I was. Maybe that’s why women have been safe for me. Maybe that’s why I’m gay… Who knows, only God. I just wanted to tell you my truth, and I don’t want to ever hold secrets for those who choose to do harm ever again. It has been my hell. I love you and thank you for holding my heart by listening. I want to be free of trying to understand now. I have faith that my God had a plan, and I will be a clear messenger of that plan.

The responses to my messages were 100% love. My mom said “Lisa”, with anguish on her face, “only God knows the truth, and it’s likely all of us don’t know yet. I can stand in that with you. All I know is I love you.” My other family poured out messages of love to me as well. If I hadn’t expressed what had happened to me, or taken the opportunity to express how I was affected, I would not have received the beautiful message I did. I would have quietly judged them, I would have felt abandoned, alone in my own hell.

I know many of you may not get the result I did. But I can offer you one great blessing that I know you will receive, regardless of those you tell. You will be released from holding in your experience. By releasing how we are affected, we release the wound so that it may heal. Martin Luther King Jr. exposed a hidden truth in one of his quotes. Keep this with you to inspire you to never hide what matters.

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

Love all, and move forward without hiding your pain. How someone is affected, may be just what they need to understand why you struggle. One warning here; do not have expectations of those you tell. This is your part of the wound, regardless of their response. Once your part is done you can move on with freedom in your heart.